MONDAY

That didn't go well. First weekend of reconciliation since I mentioned, in passing, the whole sex-extortion "scandal" and now Regina has banished me to the guest mansion. This caught me by surprise; I didn't know we had a guest mansion. But surely my trademark sense of humour would win her back, so I told the writers to whip up a Top 10 list of reasons why she shouldn't end our relationship (No. 8 -- I'm more popular than Polanski. No. 5 -- Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma. No. 1 -- Can you say pre-nup?). Perhaps I shouldn't have arranged to have the list read out by former mistresses. My bad.

TUESDAY

Sure, there's tension at home, but the rest of the plan is working to perfection. A little mea culpa, a cocked eyebrow, a wry remark or two and next thing you know, ratings are through the roof and I'm the King of Television. The Larry King of television, without the bother of all those marriages and divorces, yet.

WEDNESDAY

Shaffer won't talk to me -- which is a blessing, really. Before storming back to his piano he went on about growing up in Thunder Creek, where he learned of love and trust, and credited the deep sense of morality common among his fellow Canadians -- ooh, that reminds me, have the driver pick up a box of Timbits for the interns and sign it, love and hugs, Creepy Dave. They'll get a kick out of that. Especially that new one, Sabrina. Especially her.

THURSDAY

Another extortion attempt today. I'm getting used to it: the awkward, nervous conversation; the threats and envelopes full of incriminating photographs and correspondence; perpetrators trying to be funny because they think they're funnier than I am; the pursuit of fame and money. In the end I told Conan to buzz off or I'd call the police.

FRIDAY

It's date night and I thought it prudent to invite my wife this time. We're heading out to watch Couples Retreat. Vince Vaughn was on the show this week and said it was fantastic, though to be honest I didn't listen to anything else he said. It will be nice to get our minds off the affairs. Or, as Regina has taken to calling them, my stupid pet tricks. That's not bad, actually. I might use that next week